Dear Diary

Hello,
I started this blog to capture my thoughts in a diary-journal format that is for the public to read, my family to never find and to defend me in case of allegations that continue to grow against me that, for some reason, my wife remembers and uses against me constantly.

I finally finished my degree. A B.S. in Religion from Liberty University. This pursuit started in 1998 after I preached a message in FBC Iwakuni and received a grade of A- from Pastor Zane Abbott. What an exciting time. Since then, I was able to preach and teach at Beechwood Baptist Church, Calvary Chapel Okinawa, Koza Baptist Church, Cherry Point MCAS chapel, Temple Baptist Church New Bern and Calvary Chapel Wiesbaden.

After 18 years of marriage, my wife has found it upon herself to hate. She does not like Germans and because I refuse to bow down to her wishes and leave CC Wiesbaden...well, she is playing "Oprah" head games. Just yesterday, she woke up on Sunday morning, sat next to me while I was reading the Bible and waited and waited and waited....all she could do was ask "Should I wake the kids up?" Now, this question only came after telling me the day before that she would not go to church with me. Huh? Strange.

I refused to answer. If I answer yes, then she will ask "So are you taking them to church without me?" If I answer no, she will say "Oh, so you are not taking the kids with you today?" All of it leading to the same end result. HORROR!

Let me see if I can get him to react in anger. I will ask him a question.

I did not answer. Guess what road it led down?

"So, why are you not talking to me?" she asked.

"I am doing my devotions, trying to ask God for help and you sit next to me, interrupt me and ask a stupid question. I don't answer stupid questions. You are looking for a way to trap me and make me look like the bad guy so you can share it with others. I refuse to let you do this."

"I am not angry," she replies.

"Neither am I," I say in a soft voice.

Well, I go to the kitchen, get something to eat and she comes, sits next to me and asks why I am angry. Folks, I can't win for lose. I am in the corner. I can't breathe. I am praying, trying to love. I finally tell her that she is putting me in a corner and I am scared to talk because anything I say will be held against me in the court of her friends' opinions.

She says, "I am going to the base chapel. I need your help to get the kids ready." She then goes upstairs. Now I have my full cereal bowl, my loss of life and my corner. What do I do now?

I grab my jacket, tell the teens let's go (as it was already planned to take them to a friends gaming office after church) and we head out the door. Guess who comes running outside?

"Hey, I told you I needed help, but you didn't help me so I will be late for the chapel...so I am going with you."

I looked at her in utter despair. "Why won't she just go to church with me in the first place?" I thought.

I left.

So, when I get home that night I find three devotion books from our neighbors who said "I don't trust you anymore and I will walk out the church when you preach." Their reasoning. Because when I left the home for a night to get some air, my wife called them and played me as this raging mad lunatic. Wow. All this because I did what any man would do when his wife is testing him (again). I walked away.

Turns out that they are giving Mona advice on how to go somewhere other than your husband's preference. Turns out that she was a single mom, he is divorced..they are newlyweds..and they are giving advice to people who are, in my opinion, experiencing spiritual warfare.

How am I supposed to react? In grace and love and mercy.

Again, this journal is protect me, help me remember things so that when the wife tries to make me "blow up" ( I have made it 31 days without anger) I can read this to remember. Larry, you are ok, bro.

One more thought. At the table, I did tell her not to depend on me to always make her 100 percent happy. "You need to turn to Christ if you want happines."

signed,
Larry..frightened
A nonpastor who can't pastor cause his wife hates his choice to serve the Lord.